If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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