yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
