you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
