Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
