I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
