I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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