you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wish i was in the wii world.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the day after is always just damage control
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
