what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
