wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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