I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So vagazzling was a success
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