My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
