Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
