I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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