DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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