Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
