he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
