I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
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My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
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What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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