Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.