they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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