ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Come share oat with me in your robe
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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