I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
