My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
