I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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