I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
