I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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