i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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