Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
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You made out with two different species that night
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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