She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
