so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize