when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
