i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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