At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
