Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
