my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
