Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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