I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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