she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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