Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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