Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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