Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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