mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
