my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
