I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
