i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
