youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
