the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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