I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Randomize
