he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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