I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
