I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
