We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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